Motherhood
in Bloom
MARCH 22, 2021
KATIE SANTOS
Photographed at 27 weeks pregnant and interviewed at 32 weeks pregnant
I remember looking in the mirror several months ago and thinking, “I look like a mom now. I think I am a mom now."
I'm preparing for motherhood almost without realizing it—that is, the confidence and the trusting of my instincts and feeling sure of myself. It happens behind the scenes but then it comes to surface, and I realize I have made those leaps.
The wisdom that has been passed on since humans began has brought us to where we are. We're always listening and taking in everyone’s stories and advice. Wisdom has been a wonderful way to prepare in the conscious realm of pregnancy.
I’ve felt biological shifts. First, I have felt the sensation mothers feel of "nesting". This is our biology telling us to create a safe zone for the baby, creating a home that is safe and protected for the baby and for us. So when this baby comes, danger does not come to us.
When I figured out that the kicks were not gas and that they were actually kicks—wow, then we were communicating. Then it was like, I have a relationship with this little baby. We are together now. I know that he is in there. That’s a big part of my relationship with him right now. Knowing when he moves and how he moves. His little moving habits. That connects me with him immensely and was a huge shift in feeling like I am carrying this baby and I am the mother of this baby. The love just grew and grew and grew from there and is growing more.
All of a sudden you are the one making very big decisions for someone else who completely depends on you, and it’s a shift of, “Wow, I have to trust myself because this other being is now trusting me.”
It was an interesting shift with my mom of really needing her advice and her help but also, I am now a mom and I get to trust myself first.
The shared love for our child is taking Elvin, my husband, and I to new depths. It's a love that I am so grateful to experience. I feel so blessed I am able to experience this in my life. It’s incredibly deep, it's growing. I feel it growing all the time. I hope that we will be together until the end with our children and family. But I also know that whatever happens in our future, this shared experience will connect us forever. This is the beginning of a new level of connection that we will have.
Elvin was joking and asked,
“What if he gets mixed up at the hospital? Do you think you’ll remember what he looks like?” and I replied, "Yes, of course...
From the moment I see him, I will never forget his face.”
Our son will be our greatest teacher. He will lead the way. We are there for him and we are there to guide him. But he is really going to guide us. He is going to be the one teaching us to be parents.
Some of the people that I called Aunt and Uncle were not related to me. I really look forward to doing that with my friends. The people I’m close with. The people that I love. We get to choose, and that is a wonderful thing. I want those people to be people that are most important to me, people I admire, people I know will be a positive role model for my son in different ways, and really just people that have love to give to my child.
He will create traditions, norms, or ways of being and we will adapt to it. I can make a lot of plans, but the family system will evolve naturally because of who he is, and I do not know who he is right now. So really, what I can bring is love, patience, acceptance and past that, it will be a learn as you go family dynamic.
When I think about the absence of him, I realize how much of his essence I am connected with.
The other day I had the thought: “If your soul is inside your body – and I don't know if it is —then his soul is inside of me. We are two souls in one body.”
Everything feels like Christmas is coming, like the biggest Christmas of my life. And Christmas is just going to continue and I won’t have to wait for another year for it to come back.
My heart is exploding with so much love. I have so much love in my heart that it is going to be broken in some way, and that’s okay. That's natural. Every single day I am counting down. I want to meet him so badly. I want the labor to be here yesterday. But there is also a sense of loss that I am feeling and letting myself feel of him leaving my body, just having him and me. The first heartbreak that prepares you for all of them. Yes, I will miss him being in my belly right now. Just him and me. We will never be this close again in physical capacity.
Birth is so wonderful because it is a celebration. It’s a celebration of letting him go, and so I will try to bring that energy into the next time I let him go and as I let him go throughout life. Look for the celebration in the letting go to mend the heart that might be broken.
I know that it will be a constant joy in my life to have my child and my family.